July 21, 2011--Part 2--Honesty

July 21, 2011--Part 2

Just Being Honest...

       Since I'm in the business of being honest lately, I'm going to be very honest right now.  I am having more than a rough day.  I'm having a horrible, awful, shitty day.  I'm looking back at this morning and wondering how in the world I managed to get Ethan to school and make it back here before I started crying.  I'm amazed that I even got myself out of bed this morning.  I'm amazed that I've conducted a few normal conversations today. I fell asleep for a little while, and I think I must have had a dream about Max. I can't remember it, and that's really frustrating.  I felt panicky when I woke up, so I tried to take a shower to feel better.  I'm not sure how I thought that was going to work, but there I was in the shower not feeling any better.  And I still don't.  I was supposed to pick up Ethan, but I just can't.  I can't fathom the thought of stepping one foot out my front door.  I have no desire to be part of that world out there today.  I know this is horrible to read, but I'm hoping that I'll feel better if I share it.  I usually do, but it didn't exactly work today.

       I am going over to a woman's house today.  She contacted me a few days after Max died and shared her story with me.  Brie's daughter was stillborn earlier this year, and there is no explanation for it.  It wasn't a cord incident, and the autopsy showed nothing wrong with her daughter.  Brie's email was very sweet, and she offered me whatever kind of support she could offer.  For me, that's friendship right now.  We made plans to have a get together with two other moms who have lost children, and I offered to bring Lori.  Brie has found a lot of comfort in her newly formed friendships with these other two moms.  Our shared tragedies make us instant and permanent friends.  We could have nothing in common besides the fact that we know what it's like to have our babies die, and it wouldn't matter one bit.  We'll be friends forever.  We probably won't have the heart shaped "Best Friends Forever" necklace, but our hearts will be linked forever.  Don't worry, Nicole and I already have the aforementioned necklaces.

       A few days ago, I realized something about Brie that is really upsetting to me for some reason. The day after Brie's daughter died, a friend from work told me about Ann's story.  My friend was shocked and saddened by the horror of the situation, and she immediately apologized for telling me because I was pregnant with Max.  I told her how sorry I was for Brie's loss, and I couldn't imagine the pain that she and her family must have been going through.  My friend never mentioned Brie's name, but I thought about this stranger constantly for days and weeks afterward.  I only realized a few days ago that this stranger was Brie, my new friend.  I don't know why it upsets me so much.  Lori had the exact same experience with one of her friends from work, and she told me how angry she felt when she discovered that this new friend was actually someone she had heard about and grieved for. She couldn't believe that one person would have two friends lose babies in the same year.  Now I understand the anger that she felt.  It kind of gives the saying "it's a small world" a darker, more sinister meaning.

       Regardless of how I'm feeling right now, I am so excited to finally meet Brie and her friends.  I need that kind of companionship, especially on days like this one.  I wish we were going to be bonding over some other shared event or interest in our lives, but I'm thankful to have my new circle of friends nonetheless.  They are amazing, strong, inspirational women who anyone would be lucky to know.  I'm looking forward to a night spent enjoying good wine, understanding friends, and stories of the children we'll always carry around in our hearts.