Since Max died, I've received all
sorts of really meaningful, thoughtful "trinkets." The word
"trinket" makes them sound like tiny, worthless objects, but they are
anything but worthless. I feel a little bit like a charm collector, but I
love that. Anyone who has been in my classroom knows that I collect
random objects. I have posters of dinosaurs, horses with wings, and Dr.
Seuss sayings. I have a "tree of inspiration" that has
motivational quotes, pictures of Betty White, and random notes from students
hanging from it. I have pictures of Mr. Baranowski hidden throughout my
room, and I spent three days last year hollowing out a dictionary and filling
it with candy. I can't reveal any more about these last two items because
they are surprises that are meant to be discovered throughout the school year
by my students. My classroom is a reflection of me--quirky, surprising, and
sentimental. So, these "charms" that I have received are
perfect for me. They are unique, personalized, and most importantly, they
have meaning. They remind me of Max, and I'll treasure them for the rest
of my life. I'll leave them to Ethan and his future siblings when I die,
and I'll make sure that they know just how meaningful these things are to me.
I appreciate having things around that make me remember Max, and so I
thank everyone who has contributed to my collection of charms. I'm going
to share a few of these things now...
The
first "charm" that I received was from a very thoughtful co-worker,
Shelley. She has actually given me a few, but I think you'll understand
why this one is my favorite. Shelley mailed me a handkerchief. I
received it the day of the visitation. I was actually getting in the car
to leave when I decided to run down and check the mail first. I opened
the package from her on the way to the funeral home. It's a good thing
there was something to catch my tears inside of it. I used that
handkerchief to soak up my tears at the visitation and funeral. And then
I put it in Max's box. (Max's box contains his ashes and a few other
things that I'll keep to myself.) I didn't wash it, and I never will.
I will also never use it again. Those tears were only for Max, and
so they will stay with him forever.
I also
received a prayer shawl from a co-worker named Nancy. No one who knows
Nancy will be surprised by that. Not only is she incredibly thoughtful
and kind-hearted, but the woman knits whenever she has two free hands.
She even knits at faculty meetings. I love it. I can't wait
to see her knitting in a few weeks when we go back to work. The prayer
shawl is just like Nancy--comforting, gentle, and warm. What I really
love about it is that Nancy also donated a prayer shawl to a hospice
organization in Max's name. Nancy never told me, but I got a card from the
director of the hospice. It was such a nice card. It said, "Just as
we wrap the shawl around a dying patient's shoulders in comfort, we send our
thoughts and comfort to you and your family." It's nice to know that
Max might be of some comfort to someone who is about to join him.
I've also received a few pieces of
jewelry that I've worn nearly every day. I actually damaged one because I
refused to take it off. I guess that gives it character??? The
first one I received was from a neighbor I had never met. I've mentioned her
before, but a quick recap--her name is Carol. She has three sons and two
cats that Ethan adores. We call them "our creek cats" because
we see them all the time at the creek behind our house. Carol lost her
husband two years ago. She started leaving me little cards, notes, and
gifts the day that Max died. When we returned home from the visitation,
there was an envelope inside our storm door. It contained a bracelet and
note from Carol. The note said that she had been praying for us during
the entire visitation, and the bracelet had little butterflies and dragonflies
on it. I put it on right away and didn't take it off for a few weeks.
I slept with it on and took showers wearing it. The latter was not
a good idea. I kept thinking about taking it off to take showers, but I
just couldn't. So I didn't. Now it's looking a little weathered,
but I'm feeling a little weathered, so I guess it's appropriate. I'll
never see another butterfly or dragonfly without thinking of Max. I'm
thankful for that.
I
also received a necklace from a student. It's beautiful and has such a
touching story behind it. This student, Briana, lost two people she was
close with. She received a necklace shortly afterward, and she felt like
the necklace provided her with a lot of comfort and some sort of tangible
object to remember these people by. When she heard about Max, she called
her great uncle in Jerusalem and asked him to pick one up for me. Briana
explained a little bit about the necklace's history, but I could be making some
of this up. I tend to do that. The necklaces are handmade in Jerusalem,
and they have a unique design that closely resembles the Arabic symbol for
"faith." I put the necklace on that night and have worn it
nearly every day since receiving it. I do, however, take this one off to sleep
and shower. I'd like to think that I learn from my mistakes. About
a week ago, I actually got cut off by a car while I was driving. My first
instinct was to honk, but I noticed a sticker on the car's back window.
It was the same symbol that is on my necklace. Instead of honking, I
smiled. That's what we call "pulling a Max."
Another
necklace that I got came as a complete surprise. I received a package
from Canada as we were preparing to leave for a BBQ hosted and attended by
other parents of babies who have died of SIDS. I had no idea what was in
the package, but the customs paperwork and intense cellophane wrap job really
sparked my curiosity. After a few frantic attempts at unwrapping the secure
package, I decided to just cut it open. I don't know why I insist on
trying to open every package I receive by hand and without the assistance of
scissors. Inside the package was a small box that contained a beautiful
heart-shaped charm. On one side is a set of tiny footprints; on the other
side is Max's name. Attached to the charm is an emerald stone, Max's
birthstone. The charm came from a friend, Kristine. I cried. I just
can't believe how thoughtful people are. Kristine and her husband are the
kind of people who are fun to be around, no matter what you're doing. You
might think that they're all fun and games on the surface, but a deeply serious
and caring side of them exists and is pretty accessible. They are some of
the best people I know. A poem also came with the necklace. It is
absolutely perfect.
Tiny Footprints on a Mother's Heart
When a baby
arrives,
be it for a
day, a month, a year or more,
or perhaps
only
a sweet
flickering moment
the fragile
spark of the tender soul,
the secret
swell of new pregnancy
the goldfish
flutter known to only you-
you are
unmistakeningly changed...
the tiny
footprints left
behind on
your heart
bespeak your
name as Mother.
Another very thoughtful gift that
we received was a set of wind chimes. These came from our friends, Abby and
Jason. They too are parents, and Abby has a close friend who experienced
the loss of a baby recently. She wrote the most beautiful, sincere letter
that I have received. I bawled while I read it--tears of sadness and
loss, but also ones of hope and happiness. In the letter she wrote that
she and Jason had thought long and hard about what they could send to us.
She read on this website that I hated being inside and spent a lot of
time on my back deck, hence the wind chimes. What is so special about
them is that, first of all, they are not the annoying kind of wind chimes that
everyone's grandma seems to own. They sound soft and unintrusive, not
violent and high-pitched. They also have a tribute to Max on them.
I guess you would call this a double-sided pendant? I'm no wind
chime expert, but that's what I'll call it. The pendant has Max's name,
birth date, and death date on it, but it also has a special message:
"Gone to play with the angels" etched on it. I still
can't believe how perfect this gift was. I don't think I have ever been
so thoughtful in my life. Every time I hear them (which isn't very often
lately--go away gross, unmoving air!), I'll think of Max. Thanks for that, Abby
and Jason!
We've
received lots of other "charms" too--figurines, bird statues (these
have a special meaning that I'll share later. Thanks, Lori!), plants (all
of our landscaping in the front, actually!), and pictures. I'm just
losing steam right now, so I've got to wrap this up. Just know that each
of these "charms" is really a treasure to us. We'll look at
them for years and remember the kindness of others and the love that we all
have for Max. Of course, I will think about Max every day for the rest of
my life, but there is something very comforting about seeing an unexpected or
forgotten tangible reminder of him. I'll collect these charms gladly, and
I'll sprinkle them throughout my life, just like I do in my classroom, to find
later as surprises.
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